- Walk past the polling station with its American flag posted in a planter to another set of doors thinking they would not have put the voting booths in the Catholic church's sanctuary.
- Enter those doors, look around and realize you have the wrong place.
- Turn around and spot several people leaving the other doors you passed up and realize your mistake.
- Walk back to the flag, look around and note the "Vote hear!" sign on the wall by the other doors.
- Enter the doors, spot more signs that lead past the sanctuary to a set of stairs leading to the church's basement.
- Follow the signs down, turn left at the bottom of the stairs and spot the election judges processing fellow citizens to conduct their suffrage.
- Wait patiently for a few people to be signed in.
- State your name clearly and somewhat loudly so the geriatric poll worker hears you.
- Wait for her to find your name.
- Sign your name upside down opposite your name.
- Take a yellow card and step to the next poll worker who takes your card and says "I will clear out a voting card for you."
- Wait while the poll worker takes a device that looks like a calculator, slides the electronic voting card and punches a few numbers.
- Take the card from the election worker who indicates you the short line of voters directly across the hall.
- Think about taking pictures while waiting politely in line with your cell phone but decide against it.
- Wait for 2 minutes for a electronic polling station to clear and then saunter over to the machine.
- Insert your card into the machine and here it click.
- Watch as the card ejects and the screen reads "card cleared."
- Insert the card in twice more with each time having the card eject and the screen read the same.
- Walk back to the poll worker who gave you the card, avoiding the guy who eagerly wants to take the card away from you (that's his job) and state in a clear loud voice "It says the card is cleared."
- Listen to the poll worker say "oh my" as if it has never happened before.
- Watch the worker re-insert his card into the calculator-like device and ask you what number was on the yellow card you handed him.
- State "Which one? The precinct number or the number one?
- Listen to him state "the number one" and then take the card back from him eying the blue card with Utah's state seal and a microchip doohickey in a familiar brass contact plate cover goob.
- Return to the same Diebold polling station and reinsert the card.
- Conclude the voting by carefully reviewing your selections and then pressing the "Print Ballot" virtual button.
- Review the printed ballot scrolling through the right-hand side of the voting device to ensure all your votes are correct.
- Complete voting by selecting the appropriate screen item and remove the voting card from the device.
- Turn in the card to the previously mentioned eager poll worker.
- Eye the "I voted stickers."
- Don't request one and leave the polling place.
- Walk home thinking of various ways the system might be compromised or scandolously corrupt politicians might coerce the system if they actually gave you some sort of receipt for voting.
- Wonder if those "I voted!" sticker could be used by scandalously corrupt politicians in trade for booze for dipsomaniacs who are getting election-day DTs.
Issue 57: here's an equivocator that could swear in both the scales against either scale
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Adventures in voting
Posted by Clint Gardner at 5:19 PM
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Don't take the stickers! They have secret tracking devices in them that register how you voted by reading your brain waves. That's why I never vote (or at least don't take the sticker).ReplyDelete
I took a sticker, but I attached it to a stealthy little feral poodle which I then released near the Capital. I bet they're totally freaking out.ReplyDelete
I can hear the conservative arguments emanating from the steps of government: "voting poodles! Next thing you know horses will be sleeping in hotels or marrying our daughters!"ReplyDelete