Sunday, April 30, 2006

NBA Officiating at its Finest

So when is a hacking foul by two players not a foul and a time out yelled for by the person so eggregiously fouled not a time out? When you are the craptastic Lakers, that's when. I don't think I've seen a worse officiated game since--oh maybe the last time I watched a crucial play-off game as I saw today in the game between Phoenix and L.A.

As Hot Rod Hundley used to say after a particularly bad call that regularly happen agains "non-star" teams in the NBA: "NBA officiating at its finest. You gotta love it, baby!"

Friday, April 28, 2006

Speaking of things that would piss a wookie off

1) Blowhard Academics
2) Interminable Email
3) Interminable email from blowhard academics
4) UTA Schedulers
5) Kids who make out while walking down the sidewalk
6) Responsibility

Thursday, April 27, 2006

I wrote a poem called 20 class A Cigrarettes and now I can't find it or This is how I relieve Stress

Blog projects I am contemplating:

1) Threatening Wookie
Finding things that would piss off a wookie (you know like mouthy & effete droids who think they can play chess).

2) The Unecessary Lightness of Being
Exploring the works of Milan Kundera and Jimmy Hoffa.

3) Simply Read
The classics in 30 seconds with an 80's soundtrack.

4) Mr. Hammerschmidt Visits San Antonio
A travelogue about fast food, loose women, and moral rectitude.

5) Insipid
A list of some of my favorite words in context.

Can you tell I'm tired, worn-out, stressed, and overwraught?
Overwraught: that's word #2 on the Insipid blog, I think.


I think I've found the coolest place on earth: Tristan da Cunha. Note the place names, and the names of their creeks and bays. has a podcast about the island. About 300 folks live on the island. It is located somewhere in the South Atlantic between South America and Africa. They have one TV channel and 2 phones and one Internet connection on the whole island. You can eat all the lobster you want for next to nothing. There is no crime and everyone has a job and is, apparently, quite well-off and happy. For other entertainment you get gail force winds for a good part of the year and the posibilty of volcanic eruption at any moment. In 1961 when the islanders were forced off by a volcanic eruption most of them returned as quickly as possible rather than live out their lives in England.

Did I ever tell you that as a kid I would fantasize about living in remote regions of the world?

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Bah dum dum

Finally a site dedicated to videos worse than mine!

Actually my videos are far, far worse than most posted on the site and splideo has been around for a while. The kind folks there wade through hours of the worst of Google Video to bring you the top of the worst. I was quite happy, however, to find the site and fritter away my early morning after a 5 am Saturday morning wake up (don't ask) viewing their selections. I think my favorites listed on the site so far are "Huge Japanese Orange" and "Kids with Guns." HJO is my kind of film: well-meaing but completely pointless. KWG is just plain messed up. I want to make use of it in my next feature.

Shouldn't there be a film festival for all us absolutely wretched amateur videographers out there? Just imagine: ham acting workshops and seminars on "how to really fuck up your poorly conceived idea." M. Night Shyamalan could lead them all.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Some sunny day

What a spectacular finsih for Osterblog. Complete with a song from Vera Lynn!

Too bad as much cannot be said for its "out of gas" inspiration.

Too bad, Jazz. That's 3 years now. What does it tell you?

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Best of Utah

As I mentioned in a sideways manner a few days ago, last Friday I attended Salt Lake City Weekly's Best of Utah party last week at the Velvet Room in wonderful downtown SLC, where I witnessed another great Rotten Musicians show, was rude to the new boyfriend of my former girlfriend's sister, and almost made a fool of myself with the afore-mentioned new female friend on the scene whom I have now ceased calling simply because of incompatibilities detected via telephonic device.

I think for the first time ever City Weekly gave out a blogging "best of" award, to a blog I've been reading off and on now for a while: slcspin.

The editors of City Weekly, however, were completely remiss in honoring any of my friend's or acquaintance's blogs, so I thought I would bring you the first-annual (and most like only) THEORRIS'S FANTASTICO, EXTRA-SPECIALURIFIC, BEST OF UTAH BLOGANITES:

Best Bowling Blog that features Utahnians Bowling
The Bowling Syndicate

Best Blog About A Person We All Wish Did Not Reside in Utah

Best Utah Blog Written in California with nothing to do with Utah
Sleepy E's Front Porch

Best Mediocre Utah Blog that Can Open Museum Doors in a Single Bound

Best Hip Utah Blog
Assertively Unhip

Best Blog by a Former Utah Resident (Utah? Where the Hell's Utah Division)
Spring Means Inbetween

Best Blog by a Former Utah Resident (Waygook Division)
No Name for a Blog

Best Use of Elipses
Tales of Wit and Charm...

Best Utah Blog-Burnout
Suspend Disbelief

Best Exploration of Clothes Shopping, Expensive Lemon Purchasing and Dog Walking
High Touch Megastore

Best Unexpected Profanity in a Blog

Best Utah Blog that Displays Open Contempt for Arn and Rocky

Best Pussy (Animal Division)
Melon grab

Best Bloginacious Artistic Concept
Snyder Cider

Best Utah American Idol Blog that Only Obliquely Mentions American Idol
Dr. Write

Best Utah Blog that Gives Out Pointless Awards, has Obscure Shakespearean References in Every Single Post, is Full of Sound and Fury, is Told by and Idiot, and Signifies Nothing
Signifying nothing

There your have it, folks! Awards of Mai Tai's will be presented at the Tiki Side-yard Beach Party, if that ever happens.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Why does this sound like a Simpsons' Episode?

I laughed outloud on the train this morning when I read this: | Stewart booked? Oops: "They had actually scheduled Jon Alan Stewart, a former motivational speaker, businessman and part-time professional wrestler from Chicago.
School officials are calling it an 'unfortunate chain of misunderstandings.' And even through months of discussion they had no indication that he was not Jon Stewart of 'The Daily Show.'"

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Five Degrees of Separation

Some one I actually know has a movie in a film festival: Sleepy E's Way of the Puck is entered into Houston's Worldfest film festival. Go watch the trailer and sing E's praises here (in other words rate the trailer there):

So E, how many degrees of separation are you from Kevin Bacon?

Monday, April 10, 2006

Reason #67 why it is better to rent than to buy

$357.67 plumbing bills.

April BBQ

April BBQ
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

It seems like Spring sneaked up on us this year. Let BBQ Sundays commence!

Rotten Musicians!

Rotten Musicians!
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

This was at the City Weekly Best of Utah show last week. They rocked. I only made a partial fool of myself. Just partial. I swear.

I met a nice new FFOtS (Female Friend on the Scene), however, sorta, maybe, you never know, whatever, what the hell (see Sleepy E's Front Porch to find out what FFOtS means.) We'll see how it goes. So far it is just awkward phone conversations. I don't have high hopes.


Originally uploaded by Theorris.

The Melongrab and Middlebrow Are not Bored!

The Melongrab and Middlebrow Are not Bored!
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

Grizzlies vs. the Condors

Grizzlies vs. the Condors
Originally uploaded by Theorris.

Friday, April 07, 2006

The Trilogy is Complete

So last night I dreamed that people I know were all at the beach having a party. Again this is as much as I remember about the dream, but it does add a nice culmination to the dreams of people I know. I do recall (seriously) Middlebrow and Dr.Write limboing. LisaB was wearing one of those carribean straw hats and was sipping on a Mai Tai. Karmaking was doing homework. There were others there, but those are the ones that I jotted down in my notebook soon after waking.

So there you have it: a nice ending to a terrible sequence of murder and governmental scuzziness. Luckilly, my dream trilogy did not end with an Ewok hoedown.

Yub nub
eee chop yub nub
ah toe meet toe pee-chee keene
g'noop dock fling oh ah
Yah wah
eee chop yah wah
ah toe meet toe pee-chee keene
g'noop dock fling oh ah

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Tastes Metalic

More bad dreams: this time people I know involved in government. It left a bad taste in my mouth. What is up with you, people I know? Why are you taking such scummy jobs in my dreams? I don't know details any more. That has faded.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Aye there's the rub

I had the really long post about dream/nightmares I had last night all worked out in my head, but have completely forgotten what I dreamed about (other than it was bad and involved people I know going on a murder spree) and how I was going to write about it. What's the current theory on why people forget dreams?

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Sleeping in and other accomplishments

I awoke this morning and looked at my clock as usual, and felt a great sense of accomplishment since the clock said it was 8:53. My accomplishment, as small as it might seem, was to actually sleep past 8:00 am on a weekend: you see I just don't sleep in any more--despite my most diligent efforts to do so. I suppose this is just conditioning on having to get up early each day for work, and I've just not been able to break the habbit in the two days that I have off. I prefer not to admit that I am edging my way to becoming one of those ancient crones who wake up at 4 am and go walk in the mall. I prefer to think that given enough time I could break this terrible habbit of waking up early and get back to a more respectable rising time of say 11:25.

Imagine my disappointment and diminishing self-worth when upon listening to the morning news I was reminded that daylight savings time had gone into force.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Stop the bleeding!

Ten worst pop songs I have ever heard but I think I know all the fucking words to but most likely don't and wish to have all memory of them and the tune excised from my thought box:

10) Cherry Pie--Warrant
9) You Light Up My Life--Debbie (was it Debbie?) Boone
8) Pour Some Sugar on Me--Def Leppard
7) Sweet Home Alabama--Lynyrd Skynyrd
6) Lookin' Out My Back Door--Creedence Clearwater Revival
5) Top of the World--The Carpenters
4) In Cars--Gary Numan
3) Sunglasses at Night--Corey Hart
2) Look Away--Chicago
1) Never Gonna Give You Up--Rick Astley

Will no one rid me of these troublesome tunes?