No problem problem

Dear caller,

Signifying nothing can indeed help you with your problem of having no problems! Believe it or not, it is rather common for people not to have problems. Many people lead perfectly ordinary (if not somewhat boring) lives one hundred percent problem free! As you can imagine, this situation is quite problematic.

Researchers are committed to solving the problem of problem-free lives. They currently are testing rats to maximize their failure rate at finding tasty bits of cheese in mazes with the eventual hope of extrapolating their findings to human beings, given that we all know that cheese is the most problem-free food.

The government has for many decades now taken the lead in finding ways to distribute problems equally amongst the populace. With the recent change in the federal administration, however, the direction of those efforts has changed significantly.

Take heart, caller, you are not the only one with no problems. Support groups for the problemless can easily be located in swim-up bars at tropical resorts, and beautiful sandy beaches on Hawaii or Tahiti.