Saturday, April 25, 2009

To the mayor of a small village in Chihuahua

Dear Mayor,

Signifying nothing can indeed help you with your problem of marauding banditos terrorizing your once-idyllic village! Believe it or not, it is rather common for villages and small towns all over the Old West to be regularly raided by bands of ne'er-do-wells and ruffians. They regularly rob banks, start saloon fights, gun down unsuspecting and innocent farmers, and dare to impinge upon the sacred honor of womenfolk.

Rest assured, my dear Mayor, the experts from Hollywood, California have long been working on this problem and have come up with a solution! Mr. Mayor, your only salvation is to go out and find a lone gunman, who, while seeming to be despondent and angry on the outside, is willing to take on the bad guys preferably in a single-minded showdown where he will expertly pick every single one of them off until he gets to the leader who will die a suitable and often ironic death. This lone gunman must necessarily have his wife and small children killed off by either an Indian raid, or even more effectively, by similar banditos to the ones pestering your village. It is an added bonus if they are the same banditos, given that revenge is even more sweet for him and for you. This rarely happens, however, as the banditos and outlaws tend to lead short, although exciting lives, and are, apparently, a dime-a-dozen.

Once your hero has cleaned up the town (and hopefully not burnt it to the ground) do not, under any circumstances, expect him to stick around and become a regular citizen. Although the remorse for his dead wife or fiance or children or brother will be exorcized, he will still feel the need to wander off into the desert, never to be seen or heard from again.

Besides, you wouldn't want a violent son-of-a-bitch like that sticking around your idyllic village now would you? I mean look what happened to Big Whisky when Gene Hackman outstayed his welcome. They had to bring in Clint Eastwood to clean up that mess.


  1. What excellent advice you give. Thankfully, you are well-versed in the relevant research.

  2. This should be one of those on-line quizzes--What role are you in a spaghetti western? I'm probably the store clerk cowering behind the counter in apothecary shop, but I'm working my way up to crotchety old man on the porch with a shot gun.