Thursday, March 29, 2007

A new poetical confabulation for you which I am thinking of making into a PowerPoint poem! or 28 Steps to Sheer Happiness

The Plan

1) get a girlfriend
2) don't fall in love
3) dump her
4) be the asshole, for once in your pathetic life
5) don't tell her that you never really loved her even though you sort of did (maybe)
6) apologize because it is you, not her
7) leave her sobbing on the couch, but don't slam the door
8) feel
a. free
b. manly
c. tough
d. open to new ideas (Chuck Palahniuk's), people (porno chicks), and experiences (video games)
e. empty
f. lost
g. shamed
h. inadequate (although your dick is not)
i. like a fucking loser that you know you really are
9) eat meat lover's pizza everyday and drink 6 PBR tall boys
10) lay around the house
11) don't shave
12) bathe infrequently and haphazardly
13) drink gin
14) call her at 1:23 a.m. and tell her how much you miss her
15) ask her to come over
16) cry and then punch the wall because you are crying
17) take 5 aspirin and drink 2 1/2 quarts of water in the morning
18) shake your head at yourself before you shave
19) shave
20) wonder if in the old days anyone actually slit his own throat with those old-timey straight razors
21) rinse out the sink, save a few dots of stubble sticking to the porcelain where you should see them, but don't
22) gather your soiled clothes
23) leave your apartment for the first time since Thursday
24) squint at the sun
25) wash your clothes all together with one cup of laundry detergent and warm water
26) flirt with the cute girl with pretty eyes and three loads going at once
27) smile that crooked stupid smile of yours that girls find cute (according to at least 3)
28) repeat from step 1


  1. Just slap the title "The Secret" on it, and you have yourself a best selling self-help system. But don't stop at PowerPoint sir. You need the book, the book on tape, the DVD, and the workbooks. There have to be workbooks.

  2. I might explore those genre, sir Middlebrow. That could be fun.

  3. Yep, I see you as a multi-billionaire offa this, if you wanna be, and there will be seminars. Think Tom Cruise in Magnolia. You will have ads in the back of Maxim.

  4. Sad.

    Wait for the response then.

  5. Beautiful. Exquisite.